Nomad and Babies

11 TIPS WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED TO A HOARDER

1. Say "I love you all the time"; with no buts (example of what not to do..."I love you, but I would love you even more if you would fortheloveofallthatisgood just get rid of that jacket that you haven't worn in a decade).

2. Stash stuff at the bottom of the trash can.

3. After you've stashed stuff at the bottom of the trash can...throw some kind of liquid goop on it (we're talking anything that smells bad and is messy: basically it will deter your husband...I mean hoarder...from rummaging through the trash).

4. Try not to cry when clicking through buzzfeed lists of how to declutter your house. Oh and never look at a Scandinavian magazine...those bastards and their airy simplistic homes.

5. Don't watch the show "Hoarding: Buried Alive"; you will envision your future having dead rats and crushed kittens and lots of lots of boxes in it. Don't do it. Keep the faith.

6. Keep overcompensating for your spouse's refusal to throw anything out by being willing to get rid of anything of yours at any given moment. Who needs that amazing pure leather bag you bought only 6 months ago? Let it go.

7. Accept that most people's annual spring cleaning will be your annual Battle of Stalingrad (WW2's bloodiest battle)it's gotta happen sometime.

8. If you have children YOU WILL BIRTH A HOARDER, but remember you have the power in that relationship: BUT THEY WILL CRY. ALL THE TIME. (And it will not stop them from sneaking into every bag that you tell them will go to goodwill and telling you that the old washer that is broken can live in their bedroom).

9. Learn "creative" language (e.g. "Oh your sister really needs a pair of shoes that have holes in them...she's been looking everywhere for a pair". "Oh the neighbor just dropped by and asked for 3 inches of extra wire that was trimmed off of some that we had used.")

10. Set your Line and don't let them walk over it: E.g., If Hoarder finds a huge trash bag of childhood toys, which look like they've been through the washing machine...you go on and set that line. Tell Hoarder that they may only keep a ziploc bag full. (Realize that they will end up picking out three toys that you may get rid of and the rest they will insist go into the storage space. ( In which case refer back to TIPS 2 & 3)

11. Choose your battles: The plate that his grandma once ate off of...let it be...maybe even make it into a trendy new wall piece. That can of beans that expired 3 years ago? Throw that shit out.