I felt like I needed to pay tribute to this year…more than other years, because it felt like a pivotal year for myself.
That all the things that were kind of suppressed in the depths of my heart came thundering out and looking at me straight in the eyes. Through present circumstances old wounds were stirred and opened, and I broke.
Literally the day of turning 28 was cruel and harsh…and not a day I want to relive. I look over this past year and I think first and foremost of God’s kindness. I know it sounds like religious babbling that is just poured out of duty, because I’m well…a Christian. That the heart of it is empty, but I cannot begin to find the words that seem to encompass the passion I have for my Lord. This year rocked me and broke me. Tore the ground from beneath my feet then asked me to keep crawling…to somehow keep loving and providing for those around me. To force a smile and give a hug, to be vulnerable and open, yet careful and loving. To lay sometimes the pain on the side and give of myself…when there was not much to give. There were those that rely on me for that, and yet my world was falling apart. How do you scrape yourself off the floor to get up and cook breakfast and stay calm amidst 4 screaming children? I felt like all that had broken in me long ago had resurfaced and under hard circumstances…I was drowning.
That’s how it felt, overwhelmed with grief and yet the resolve to survive. No not just to survive, but come out stronger, more compassionate, and more loving on the other side. That resolve stayed, but there were days so painful that my breath seemed to catch in my lungs and only sobs and choked tears seem to be released. Days where I wondered did I even really want to make it to the next one. Days when I felt so incapable, so weak, and lacking in so many regards…what really was the point?
There it is. Bare boned honesty. My past scars were strangling me…my present wounds were cutting deeper…and no clarity of the path before me. I knew were I wanted to be…and that drove me forward. I saw personal growth, but I was still in a tumultuous time. You know, I’m sure you are all wondering what was it that I’m talking about…curiosity peaked about the heartache I was facing. Desiring to know details. I would if the tables were turned. It’s not a story that I want to share at this point in my life…it’s not time for that yet, but I think sometimes these moments landscape the details. In that I mean…isn’t it sometimes not the details that really matter…but the larger view: we are humans and if we step back…pain in whatever form…big or small…is still pain. And we can connect. We should connect. Can’t we join hands over the pain and bravery it takes to face a hard situation? I know those of you who have been in a dark place…that time where you know…this can’t go on. Where your deepest fear stands up and faces you…and tells you…you are not enough. It could be a huge event or maybe just a small trigger where you finally hit a point where you know it cannot go on this way. It just can’t. I hit that point.
I think in years to come I shall cherish this year closer to my heart than all the years I’ve had before it. For in the scope of heartbreak, I realized this: I worship a tender God. A God…who held my hand every step of the way, corrected me in love, and time and time again has proven Himself trustworthy, faithful and that He loves me relentlessly. I look back on this year and feel overwhelming gratitude. I am weathering this storm only because of the strength that I find in the joy of the Lord. His joy, His delight…gives me strength. I am not out of the storm, but hope has arisen. Overflowing Love from the Father, Grace from the Son, and Power from the Spirit.
We want to look at our hurts and use it as a past tense. In that I mean, we often want to share our stories once we’ve already defeated the giant. Once the outcome is already drawn, because when we share the story without a nice tidy packaged ending…it’s confusing. It’s unnerving; it's vulnerable to share that you don’t have it all together and the answers are still unclear. I’m not on the other side…I’m still weathering this battle, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I cried out to the Lord on my birthday and asked Him to not let me out of the wilderness, this desert period until I have opened my eyes to all that I need to learn. No matter the pain…no matter if it gets worse. I have to glean all that I can…otherwise why do you walk through these periods? Otherwise, what is the point? I wouldn’t want to be in anyone else’s situation, because my God knows my innermost being, He knows my coming and going, He sees that heart and the soul…and He knows my every thought..and He loves me completely. Because of this walk I’m in…I’ve experienced a God who is living. Who is not confined to stone, or confined to a book, or confined to man's ideas of what God should be. I’ve seen God grow my heart and change areas in myself that I couldn’t fathom being changed. I’ve experienced a God who fights on my behalf and leads me to the desert to reveal His love for all His children. I’ve seen Him take a girl with a tainted past and teach me what dying to self means. To love in strength…to love by laying down your life. To begin to let go of shame and bondage, and to welcome in new life and take a step at a time forward. And to learn to love.
Always learning to love better.
and learning that He is Always enough
Always There.
Always ready to help us in a desolate place.
Oh what a blessing 28 has been…oh what painful tears have been shed, oh what sobs of gratitude mingled with aching of the soul…Oh how grateful I am. Here’s to 29…and the path that still remains unclear, and the falling into a gracious God’s guiding and loving arms. The best is yet to come!
The best is yet to come!
XX
Bethany
